I'm moving towards the distant Shore of Total Serenity. I'm not there. I'm never going to get there. But at least I can see that this ideal exists. I wasn't able to grasp the concept that calming my mind, living more and more in the moment, focusing on myself and not others and when I do focus on someone else I do it with the understanding that it's better to love, to comfort, and to understand than the other way around. One of the skills I learned in the sales game was to gauge my prospect's level of attention. Often, I could tell that the person was preparing a response to whatever point I was trying to make, sometimes to dispute my pitch, often just because they wanted and needed and were habituated to think about themselves. When I was in this situation I knew that I had to let it play out. You can't listen well when you're thinking; especially when your thoughts are disputatious.
In my slow rowing toward the Shore of Total Serenity I have finally started to grasp this crucial point: avoidance of painful or negative thoughts or feelings only feed the feeling, makes it grow stronger. I know today - mind you, I'm not saying that I do this all the time, only that I'm more aware of it - that confrontation is what's important. I have to look at the thing and see it for what it is. I mention often the Crying Baby on an Airplane Syndrome. I learned long ago that if I try to ignore the fucking baby or fantasize about throwing the fucking baby's parents off the fucking plane then I concentrate more and more on the disruption but if I listen to the noise, actively listen to it, then my brain starts to ignore it as a steady-state hum. I know, it's totally illogical, but when I'm trying to suppress something then I'm feeding the wrong wolf.
And then we can relate this to our A.A. recovery Program by saying that " . . . you can't examine something fully if you are busy rejecting its existence. Whatever experience we may be having, mindfulness just accepts it. What is there is there."
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