Delusions

I heard this in the meeting today from a man with a long, long sobriety: "I'm comfortable with my delusions."  I had to laugh out loud.  I get it - I'm comfortable with my delusions, too.  I believe his point was that he had gotten to a place where he was comfortable with who he was.  One of my oft repeated memes is that I had to go through everything I went through to become the person I am today - a person that I like.

I led the meeting and referenced this phrase from Step Two of the 12&12: "We had not even prayed rightly.  We had always said, 'Grant me my wishes' instead of 'Thy will be done.' The love of God and man we understood not at all.  Therefore we remained self-deceived, and incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity."  Last time I led I read from Appendix II which discusses the Spiritual Experience.  I almost always read out of one of our books - the stuff therein is better than anything I can come up with.  Obviously, this is something I'm struggling with and getting feedback from so many different people helps.  My atheist friend spoke first and said this was the second time in 10 days he was so uncomfortable that he almost left the meeting.  I laughed out loud again.  My work is done here, I told him after the meeting.

Clearly, I'm bombarding the group with my difficulty in turning my body over to the care of my Higher Power.  Clearly, what I'm doing is working my ass off trying to get the result I want vis-a-vis any physical discomfort I'm feeling.  Clearly, I'm in charge.  There is nothing worse than me in charge.  One of the members said that true acceptance occurs when I quit trying to mold the world to my own liking and get comfortable with things as they are.  My tendency is to concentrate on the "courage to change the things I can" instead of the"serenity to accept the things I cannot change."  I find myself trying more and more and more things to bend God's will to mine.  God has a pretty tough will.  I've yet to win one of these bending contests.  Someone in Indianapolis once told me: "Quit boxing with God - he has longer arms than you do."

One member shared this technique for finding out God's will: Just be a nice person.  Just be nice today.  You don't have to do anything amazing or earth shattering.  Be nice to everyone.  That's an easy definition of God's will.

I try to share what I'm feeling and going through with my brothers and sisters.  No matter what it is it's a lot healthier for me when it's out than when it's in.  My thinking - kept to myself - is a pile of shit.  I need to bounce it off other people.  When I had my first extended bout of anxiety after the death of my parents I kept everything inside until I was a high pressure cooker ready to detonate.  I finally told SuperK, who had no idea.  We are so good massaging our public face that we get good at fooling those people who are closest to us and most capable of helping us out.  Sometimes my wife doesn't want to tell me what she's thinking because she's afraid it'll sound harsh and judgmental and this - of course - is when I hear the things that are most helpful.