Really Ridiculous

 So I celebrated a 34 year Alcoholics Anonymous birthday yesterday - or anniversary as we used to say in the Midwest.  I went to a Zoom meeting that I attend regularly and thought I would get a chance to show off a little bit - I had my acceptance speech sort of cued up - only to find that it was one of those meetings where they don't celebrate A.A. milestones.  I had to laugh.  This ego-deflating stuff happens all the time.  I'm glad my god has a sense of humor.  Sometimes the secretary forgets to ask if there are any birthdays to celebrate.  Some groups only celebrate once a month so if you don't attend on the prescribed day you're shit out of luck.  When I was in Cincinnati there was a woman there who had the same sobriety date as me but had been sober ten years longer so no matter how impressive my time was, in my own mind, there was someone there - she attended the same group of meetings as me, natch - who had a lot more time than me.  Ego.  Deflation.  I'm still laughing at that one.

Today I went to the Keep It Complicated group to announce my milestone.  As I was driving down I thought: "Fuck, 34 years, that's ridiculous."  Every year the number sounded more and more noteworthy to me until it just got sort of abstract.  34 years.  What does that mean anyhow?  The time kind of lost all context.  I used to be suitably impressed at 20 years or 27 years but once people hit their 30s they seemed kind of old and out of touch.  People who have been sober over 40 years are freaks or liars.

A couple of my friends knew of the birthday and made a special effort to show up.  I did not, in my defense, bandy this information about to try to increase attendance, like I was selling books or trying to increase my social media likes.  Some of us wait until Saturday to announce their day because the group attendance really swells.  I am way, way too humble for that.  My humility is legendary, unparalleled.  There were about 20 people there.  Some are close friends, some I've known for my entire time in SoCal, a few are new enough that I've only recently met them, and . . . . and . . . . amazingly enough there really weren't any people there that irritate me.  I said this . . . with my mouth . . . this morning, to some appreciative and knowing chuckles.  We really can be irritating people

The SoCal tradition is to allow the birthday boy or girl to make a few remarks before the meeting officially kicks off.  As I was droning on about nothing in particular I started to choke up a little bit.  As a reminder: I'm a good German, dispassionate, logical, analytical, unemotional, controlled.  I'm not opposed to crying; I don't try to choke back my tears when they want to come out; I'm simply not that emotional.  But I am constantly amazed at what a blessing it is to have so many people so intimately involved in my life, to be so loved and to be able to love so many.  It is a gift of life that too many of us don't get to enjoy.  I felt piggish, gluttonous, lapping up all of those good feelings.

Really ridiculous.