Bupkis

 It has been quite a wild ride here.  Everything has been quite the wild ride.

I have been talking to people about the trip cancellation and their responses, by and large, validate why it is that we need to talk to people.  We introverts - we introverted alcoholics - cannot be trusted to be left alone with our brains.  I don't know what's going on up there, that's for sure.  It's a crappy neighborhood.

In my enfeebled state I've been picking up the pace on phone calls to my Alcoholics Anonymous friends.  When told of my plans to cancel our trip the response has been uniformly positive; as in "I'm glad to hear that" or "You're doing the right thing" or "I wondered if/when this was going to happen." 

"The serenity to accept the things I cannot change."  Makes me laugh at all my efforts over the last few days to make this happen.  I pushed and I pushed and I fingaled and compromised and tried to find wormholes to squirrel through to get my way and . . . pfft! . . . bupkis.  Now, in my defense, it is not a problem to keep after something - the problem is when you can't find a way through and up and over but you still insist on forcing the issue.   When I was laboring over the computer last night, frustrated and tense, it was as if a giant spotlight flicked on: "Huh.  I don't think I'm supposed to do this."  Like it was some giant revelation.  Like I was at my tenth baseball game when I hate baseball (not really - I love baseball), complaining that it wasn't a football game, when the realization came that I should stop going to the baseball stadium.  No amount of work or compromise could change this fact.