You're Perfect

I read an opinion piece from a woman who was reflecting on her personal relationships and how they've changed during the relative isolation from other people that we've all had to endure during the pandemic and how these relationships are going to look as society reopens.  Like me this woman has a fairly introverted personality, preferring time alone or with a small group of friends and family instead of joining in larger, more raucous events, so she hasn't been as crippled by her more isolated than normal pandemic circumstances.  Her point - backed by many psychologists - is that most of us have the time and capacity for a handful of really deep relationships.  These relationships require maintenance and for most of us we don't have the time or the interest in doing the work to keep a larger group of people very close and intense.  She felt some freedom in not having to engage other parents from her children's school or to chit chat with the group of people who work in marketing on the next floor down.  And that this is OK.  This is OK.  I've learned to manage my relationships a lot more efficiently in A.A., maintaining the important ones and giving my self a break for not maintaining the less important ones.

I will note that for most of us in Alcoholics Anonymous we are in the position to enjoy the embarrassing riches of many deep relationships.  I keep a list of mine and there's like forty people on it.  Forty people!  Some of them I'm in contact with almost daily; some I engage weekly; and the rest may lay fallow for weeks or months at a time but when we next speak it's like putting on an old velvet glove.  It's as if we were having a conversation and I had to excuse myself to poop and when I return we just continue the conversation, ignoring the fact that I was gone too long to pretend that I just had to pee.  Everyone knew I was pooping.

This is a blessing.  The friends, not the pooping, although that's a blessing, too.  Probably a bigger blessing at my age.  If someone said I had to choose between a life as a hermit, with no friends, or taking a good poop first thing every morning I'd have to get back to them on that one.

Anyway, the point isn't an analysis of my bowel movements but rather this reminder that we all need to enjoy a comfortable, relaxed, understanding relationship with ourselves before we re-engage other people.  If you cherish your time alone or you need to be in a crowd all the time or - more likely - somewhere in between, it's all okay.  You're fine.  You're perfect.  Go with it and go with it guilt free.