Malevolence

 Big Book story today.  The jist of the story was that the protagonist never felt comfortable in his own skin, never having a feeling of belonging until he entered Alcoholics Anonymous.  This is something that is very common among alcoholics, that feeling of apartness, of not understanding how anything worked.  Everyone I ran into seemed so comfortable in their own skins and I felt like my skeleton was trying to burst violently out of my body and run away.

I process alcohol differently than most people.

God speaks to me through you guys.  I have never had God speak to me directly.  I don't know what God's voice sounds like.  I did, however, hear voices from time to time when I got the right cocktail of drugs and alcohol working real good.  And I know what SuperK's voice sounds like.  She's sort of a minor god in our household.  I don't believe she's the only God but she's godlike.

Malevolence:  Having or displaying ill will; wishing harm on others; having an evil or harmful influence.

A woman shared this morning about joining the Benevolence Committee at her church in an attempt to be of service.  I wonder if there's a Malevolence Committee that meets down in the boiler room?  Real secretive group.  Hard to join.  Harder to leave.  Everyone's dressed in black and everyone's pissed.  I'd be interested in that group.

And Malevolence would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.

The leader shared about being in the throes of a general life funk; one of those times where his serenity is thin and his ire is ascendant.  The advice he keeps getting is: Take it easy.  We're human.  We're not always going to feel great.  Deal with it.  It'll pass.  He's right around five or six years sober and my experience in A.A. is that lots of people get irritable at that point.  The easy gains have been made; the heavy god-sense is still being developed; and the day to day recovery work seems repetitive and onerous.