Zoomin'

 I was the chair for our Zoom Big Book meeting yesterday.  After the leader reflects on the reading for a few minutes the meeting is opened up for general sharing - sometimes people chime in at will or it becomes a tag meeting where people share then call on the next person.  Iconoclast Seaweed, in control, large and in charge, picks people to share; as in, you get to share if I want to hear from you.  I'm a little embarrassed to admit (but not really) that part of my motivation is that I don't want to listen to, one more time, over and over, again and again, a select group of blowhards who share at every meeting and not very effectively, in my opinion.

The flip side of the coin and the side that I hope is the most important is that I get to call on people who don't share very often and I also get to hear from the small group of people who really have their shit together.  You know these people - often long-timers but really just people who have internalized The Program in their thinking and behaving, and not just their talking.  There are plenty of us who talk a good game but falter at putting the principles into action.  Thank God for those members who always leave me saying: "Wow.  Good stuff."

I usually open the meeting up for the last little bit so that if someone needs to talk they have an opportunity to do so.  I also comment after some of the shares - I'm not supposed to do this as it's technically cross-talk but what are you gonna do?  I do lots of stuff I'm not supposed to do.  My intent is for these quips to serve as a form of praise.  I'm also trying to encourage the newer people - who don't share that often - to speak up from time to time.  The fact that you're new doesn't mean you don't have anything worthwhile to say; plus, we get to know you if you let us know who you are.  We're not mind-readers.  Sometimes they don't want to speak even after being called on and I let them know that's fine, too,  and thank them for identifying as alcoholics and checking in.  

I have a good time.  I think some other people have a good time.  And I don't really care.  It amuses me and I'm going to keep doing it because it is . . . after all . . .  my goal to amuse myself.  If I'm happy then everybody's happy.

I'm wandering here.  My point is that I received two texts and a phone call from friends - women, all three - telling me how much they enjoyed the meeting.  I got a "love you" and a "you're a terrific guy" and a "I didn't realize how kind you are."  The last line was a little suspect because I'm so clearly an amazing guy, LOL, but I took it positively.

You don't have to read my writing very much to see that I'm not a needy person - I have a healthy ego and a fine sense of my own wealth.  I also believe that I have a good perspective on this ego, a good self-awareness, that I'm some of that and not all of that.  Like most alcoholics I'm hard on myself, too, so it's great, great, great to get these affirmations from the outside world that we're making a difference, a good difference.  One of the reasons I end many of my phone calls with a "I love you" is that I want my friends to know that they're loved.

How amazing is it to be part of such a community?  Wow.