Cognitive Dissonance

I'm reading a book on behavioral psychology called "Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me). Fascinating stuff. We all think we're in control but we're all sadly mistaken. A few nuggets follow . . .

The brain is designed with blind spots, optical and psychological, and one of its cleverest tricks is to confer on its owner the comforting delusion that he or she does not have any.

Selective Remembering

Memories are often pruned and shaped with an ego-enhancing bias that blurs the edges of past events, softens culpability, and distorts what really happened.  When researchers ask wives what percentage of the housework they do, they say: “Are you kidding?  I do almost everything, at least 90 percent.”  And when they ask husbands the same question, the men say: “I do a lot, actually, about 40 percent.”  Although the specific numbers differ from couple to couple, the total always exceeds 100 percent by a large margin.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension the occurs when a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitude, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent with each other, such as “Smoking is a dumb thing to do because it could kill me” and “I smoke two packs a day.”

People who receive disconfirming or otherwise unwelcome information often do not simply resist it; they may come to support their original (wrong) opinion even more strongly - a backfire effect.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy

When researchers ask people standing in line to place a bet how certain they are of their choice the bettors express a lot of uncertainty.  However, when people who have just placed a bet are asked the exact same question they express a great deal of confidence in their decision.

People become more certain they are right about something they just did if they can’t undo it.

Behavioral economists have shown how reluctant people are to accept these sunk costs - investment of time or money that they’ve sunk into an experience or relationship.

You know who knows this? Casinos, that's who. If you ask a losing gambler before he starts losing when he quit if he loses too much you'd get a rational answer. But in the throes of the losing, the excitement, the adrenaline takes over and people double down. I sense that alcoholics who are active alcoholic-ing do the same thing: "I'll get sober . . . tomorrow."

Venting Your Anger

Decades of experimental research have found that when people vent their feelings aggressively, they often feel worse, pump up their blood pressure, and make themselves even angrier.

Restraint of tongue and pen, anyone? As a man with a temper I share, with a twinkle in my eye and a bounce in my step and more than a modicum of dryness, that on the rare occasions that I let my anger dude out of his cage it feels so fucking great when he's coming out even as I'm listening to my other dude saying: "This is not going to work out for you - a minute of pleasure and a whole lot of crap to clean up." That's why my anger dude rarely gets to roam freely.

Seaweed: Ruler of the Universe

One of the big drawbacks to Zoom A.A. is that we have lost the face-to-face contact that is so important and wonderful and fulfilling.  I miss in-person meetings but am not willing to take the risk of getting sick, as small as that might be.  My 33 years of sobriety does provide me with some capital and I feel for new people who are missing out on the electricity and humor in a room full of recovering addicts and alcoholics.  Conversely, if you've had enough to drink you can get sober.  That sounds kind of detached and harsh but getting sober is no walk in the park whatever your circumstances are.  People live in foreign countries and small, remote towns and cold, unforgiving climates and still get sober.  I'm empathetic . . . to a degree.

My big morning meeting is full of contention.  This is A.A. after all - someone is always going to be bitching about something.  There have been a group of people who complain about Zoom and complain about wearing masks and complain and complain and complain.  It's all very predictable and tiresome.  A few of the Head Bitchers have found a place that is willing to let them have inside in-person meetings.  I fail to see the wisdom in doing this right as The Virus is really spreading but - once again - I have given up trying to run the world.

The funny thing is that I don't miss any of these people.  There always seems to be a frisson of grievance wafting about them.  They always seem to get a little low-key bitching in every time they talk although they try to hide it under a cloak of good will.

Passive-Aggressive:  of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.  (Ed. Note: I LOVE passive-aggressive behavior.  It allows me to be pissed while pretending that I'm not.  I get to enjoy the best of both worlds.)

I am pretending that this behavior isn't affecting me but I'm often thinking about their behavior, holding imaginary conversations in my mind where I deftly point out how fucking stupid their behavior is.

Once God makes me Ruler of the Universe I'll get all this crap sorted out.

$10

Suspicious:  The state of imagining or supposing (something) to be true, or to exist, without proof; to distrust or have doubts about. 

SuperK has been listening to a poet on Zoom.  One of his suggestions is to do something that you wouldn't ordinarily do.  Surprise yourself.  She has always been uncomfortable giving money to people who are living on the street, suspicious that they are pretending to live on the street.  She's been tossing out $10 bills lately.  Good for her.  We're all worried about getting screwed by a scam artist - so worried that we forget that nine out of ten times we're helping someone down on their luck.

Good for her.

Would you change who you are?  Who you are right this minute?  I don't think I would.  I think I'm pretty content with who I am.  I'm not suggesting that I don't have any faults or that there is no room for improvement, just that I'm pretty content with the person I am.

That's pretty amazing.

The Prisoners' Dilemma

 There's a famous psychological test called The Prisoners' Dilemma  The idea is to try to better understand people's selfish instincts.  We all think we're selfless but few of us are; or at least we're not as selfless as we think.

Here's the test:

You have two prisoners who both have a year of incarceration left.  You give them the opportunity to reveal something incriminating about their fellow prisoner.  If both prisoners refuse to tattle then they're both released; if both prisoners rat out their cellmate then both of them have their sentences doubled; but if one tattles and one doesn't - here's the catch and it's a beauty - the tattler goes free and his cellmate remains locked up.

The study measures selfishness in a very clever way.  There is a group of people who are so averse to "being taken advantage of" that they risk a worse outcome rather than see someone else get something at their expense.  Even though their suffering is increased they see this as better than getting screwed by someone else.

Makes me think of the way we pass on the message in A.A.  We give with no expectation of return.

"Who does that?" I thought when I first came into The Program.

I does that.

No Easy Answers

One of my good friends was talking to a sponsee yesterday while I lurked nearby, eavesdropping.  I like the new guy - he mixed heroin with his drinking and took the elevator way, way down, to the street, to utter, abject misery.  The capacity for pain in alcoholics is astounding, especially when you consider that the ostensible reason for drinking and using is to make the pain go away.

"They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself in the head with a hammer so he can't feel the ache."  BB p23.

Anyway, he has a young son with a woman who is a heroin addict and has just been released from prison.  He has been living with her mother, a healthy if unsatisfactory arrangement as it allows him to provide a stable environment for the boy and the ready-made babysitter gives him time to go to meetings and try to earn some money.  Now, however, a still-using addict is living there, too.  Sheezus.

This is not always an easy process.  Sometimes we're in situations that don't have simple solutions.  This guy can't just bail out of the circumstances of his life because the drinking threatens his sobriety but if he drinks then the circumstances of his life worsen markedly.  Sometimes all I can do is empathize. I mean what do you say?  Get out of there and let your son fend for himself? 

It can be frustrating.

Fears

I never let go of anything that doesn't have claw and bite marks on it.  Letting Go is not what I do.

Fear: A strong, uncontrollable, unpleasant emotion or feeling caused by actual or perceived danger or threat.

I've looked this word up so many times I should have it memorized.  In my defense "fear" or some variation of the word appears in the Big Book 114 times so it's obviously a common topic.  I do like that fear can be caused by a "perceived" threat which is given as much weight as the "actual" threat; as in, monsters under the bed and/or in the closet.

We reviewed our fears thoroughly.  We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them.

Yes, it's a written inventory. You have to write it down. You can't just think it.

Dangerous: Exposure to likely harm; peril.

. . . what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking.  Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous.  How many times have we heard well-intentioned people claim the guidance of God when it was all too plain that they were surely mistaken.

The point here is that my thinking is usually . . . well . . . crap. That's why I talk to a . . . you know . . . other person. How many men of religion out there spout crap and believe it because they're so convinced that they're so special that God is talking directly to them and giving them special information that no one else is privy to. Oh, brother. This is a small minority of religious leaders, to be sure, but often a vocal one.

Some will object to many of the questions posed because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring.  To those it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with.

We shall claim that our serious character defects, if we think we have any at all, have been caused chiefly by excessive drinking.

They have been persuaded, and rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault by the individual alone.

I'm not so bad. And it's the drinking that made me to do it. So, once I quit drinking, then I'll be all better. "Nothing to see here, ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin.' " Oh, brother.

. . . . his character defects, representing instincts gone astray , have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life . . .

We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of what or who we thought caused it.

Here we get some practical advice about our defects; namely, that our defects ARE the problem. Our instincts are all whacked out of shape so we better do some re-whacking.

The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person, our emotions go on the defensive.

. . . we must be sure that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.

It's not them. It's you.

These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundation of whatever sort of life we try to build. . . .

Zoomin'

 I was the chair for our Zoom Big Book meeting yesterday.  After the leader reflects on the reading for a few minutes the meeting is opened up for general sharing - sometimes people chime in at will or it becomes a tag meeting where people share then call on the next person.  Iconoclast Seaweed, in control, large and in charge, picks people to share; as in, you get to share if I want to hear from you.  I'm a little embarrassed to admit (but not really) that part of my motivation is that I don't want to listen to, one more time, over and over, again and again, a select group of blowhards who share at every meeting and not very effectively, in my opinion.

The flip side of the coin and the side that I hope is the most important is that I get to call on people who don't share very often and I also get to hear from the small group of people who really have their shit together.  You know these people - often long-timers but really just people who have internalized The Program in their thinking and behaving, and not just their talking.  There are plenty of us who talk a good game but falter at putting the principles into action.  Thank God for those members who always leave me saying: "Wow.  Good stuff."

I usually open the meeting up for the last little bit so that if someone needs to talk they have an opportunity to do so.  I also comment after some of the shares - I'm not supposed to do this as it's technically cross-talk but what are you gonna do?  I do lots of stuff I'm not supposed to do.  My intent is for these quips to serve as a form of praise.  I'm also trying to encourage the newer people - who don't share that often - to speak up from time to time.  The fact that you're new doesn't mean you don't have anything worthwhile to say; plus, we get to know you if you let us know who you are.  We're not mind-readers.  Sometimes they don't want to speak even after being called on and I let them know that's fine, too,  and thank them for identifying as alcoholics and checking in.  

I have a good time.  I think some other people have a good time.  And I don't really care.  It amuses me and I'm going to keep doing it because it is . . . after all . . .  my goal to amuse myself.  If I'm happy then everybody's happy.

I'm wandering here.  My point is that I received two texts and a phone call from friends - women, all three - telling me how much they enjoyed the meeting.  I got a "love you" and a "you're a terrific guy" and a "I didn't realize how kind you are."  The last line was a little suspect because I'm so clearly an amazing guy, LOL, but I took it positively.

You don't have to read my writing very much to see that I'm not a needy person - I have a healthy ego and a fine sense of my own wealth.  I also believe that I have a good perspective on this ego, a good self-awareness, that I'm some of that and not all of that.  Like most alcoholics I'm hard on myself, too, so it's great, great, great to get these affirmations from the outside world that we're making a difference, a good difference.  One of the reasons I end many of my phone calls with a "I love you" is that I want my friends to know that they're loved.

How amazing is it to be part of such a community?  Wow.

The Original Long, Long, Long Preamble

 AA Old Preamble - 1940

We are gathered here because we are faced with the fact
that we are powerless over alcohol and unable to do
anything about it without the help of a Power greater than
ourselves.

We feel that each person's religious views, if any, are his
own affair.  The simple purpose of the program of
Alcoholics Anonymous is to show what may be done to
enlist the aid of a Power greater than ourselves regardless
of what our individual conception of that Power may be.

In order to form a habit of depending upon and referring
all we do to that Power, we must at first apply ourselves
with some diligence.  By often repeating these acts, they
become habitual and the help rendered becomes natural to
us.

We have all come to know that as alcoholics we are
suffering from a serious illness for which medicine has no
cure.

Our condition may be the result of an allergy which makes
us different from other people.  It has never been by any
treatment with which we are familiar, permanently cured.
The only relief we have to offer is absolute abstinence, the
second meaning of A.A.

(Ed. Note: I have never heard the suggestion that A.A. can also stand for Absolute Abstinence.)

There are no dues or fees.  The only requirement for
membership is a desire to stop drinking.  Each member
squares his debt by helping others to recover.

An Alcoholics Anonymous is an alcoholic who through
application and adherence to the A.A. program has
forsworn the use of any and all alcoholic beverage in any
form.

(Forsworn: To renounce or deny something, especially under oath.)

The moment he takes so much as one drop of beer, wine,
spirits or any other alcoholic beverage he automatically loses
all status as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

(Ed. Note:  THIS is interesting - the idea that if you drink you're out.  I guess all those times I sat in meetings high meant I wasn't a member.  THAT is news to me.  I can see how that paragraph got booted.)

A.A. is not interested in sobering up drunks who are not
sincere in their desire to remain sober for all time.  Not
being reformers, we offer our experience only to those who
want it.

(Ed. Note: There was definitely a harder edge to The Program early on.  There's a sense today for many of us that if a person isn't serious about getting sober we don't spend time trying to convince them that sobriety's a good thing to do.  Still, the old version sounds pretty unequivocal.  "We're not going to waste our time if you aren't serious."  There's that undertone today, that sense, but it isn't stated quite as bluntly and clearly.)

We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree and
on which we can join in harmonious action.  Rarely have we
seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our
program. Those who do not recover are people who will
not or simply cannot give themselves to this simple
program. Now you may like this program or you may not,
but the fact remains, it works.  It is our only chance to
recover.

(Ed. Note:  Agree: To harmonize in opinion.  Harmonious: Showing accord in feeling or action.  Ha Ha Fucking Ha.  The ridiculousness of these sentiments must have become crystal clear at like the fourth contentious Group Conscience.  We couldn't leave them in with a straight face.)

There is a vast amount of fun in the A.A. fellowship.  Some
people might be shocked at our seeming worldliness and
levity but just underneath there lies a deadly earnestness
and a full realization that we must put first things first and
with each of us the first thing is our alcoholic problem.  To
drink is to die.  Faith must work twenty-four hours a day in
and through us or we perish.

In order to set our tone for this meeting I ask that we bow
our heads in a few moments of silent prayer and
meditation.  I wish to remind you that whatever is said at
this meeting expresses our own individual opinion as of
today and as of up to this moment.

We do not speak for A.A. as a whole and you are free to
agree or disagree as you see fit, in fact, it is suggested that
you pay no attention to anything which might not be
reconciled with what is in the A.A. Big Book.

If you don't have a Big Book, it's time you bought you one.
Read it, study it, live with it, loan it, scatter it, and then
learn from it what it means to be an A.A.

And here is the current version of the A.A. preamble read to open most meetings.  Quite a bit pithier, eh wot?

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

The Early Steps

So, to continue our review of the original A.A. manuscripts, here is the part of How It Works that contains The Steps.  Some amusing tweaks to be discovered . . . And again note how the present "we" often replaced the bossier "you."  Drunks do something that everyone else is doing as long as they aren't told to do it.

Now we think you can take it!  Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as your Program of Recovery:

At some point the determination was made that the opening line sounded a little . . . bossy?  So bossy that it wasn't tweaked - it was ejected.  Excised.  Removed surgically with no regrets.

1. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care and direction of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely willing that God remove all these defects of character.

Ready: Prepared for immediate action or use.

Willing:  Ready to do something that is not a matter of course.

The parsing here is fine but I see the point of changing "willing" to "ready."  I, personally, was ready to get to work but most unwilling to . . . you know . . . do any work.  I can only imagine the chaos in the discussion to make that change.

7. Humbly, on our knees, asked Him to remove our shortcomings – holding nothing back.

On our knees?  On our knees?  Holy shit, what were they thinking, those kooky, white, upper-middle-class, religious Midwesterners?  We're lucky enough to get a drunk to ask his Higher Power for help but then to ask him or her to prostrate his ego to do it?  The "holding nothing back" part is more hopeful, less outrageous, but still laughable.  Most of us feel like holding something back: lust, gluttony, greed, etc., are all popular claw-backs.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make complete amends to them all.

Complete:  With all parts included; with nothing missing; full.

Again, an admirable goal to shoot for but so out of reach for a new alcoholic.  I know, personally, that there were a few people that I made amends to that I hoped were still going to die a slow and horrible death.  So I wasn't exactly meeting the intention for the amends process.  I wanted to but I wasn't capable of.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our (conscious) contact with God, (as we understood him), praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I have no idea why conscious was added - were we only improving our contact unconsciously.  I don't know what that means.  

I do know that our famous agnostic founders lobbied strenuously for the "as we understood him" part of this Step.  A famous addition of legendary proportions.

12. Having had a spiritual experience as the result of this course of action, we tried to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I'd say the founders got a little full of themselves here.  Many of us still believe today that a whole shit-ton of people could be helped if they tried to apply the spiritual principles of a 12 Step program to their lives while acknowledging the fact that we should try to stick to what we know best.

You may exclaim, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.”  Do not be discouraged.  No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles.  We are not saints.  The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.  The principles we have set down are guides to progress.  We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after, have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas:

Can't you just see stockbroker Bill W lobbying for this line?  Can't you just see how annoying it would be for most wet drunks?  I still remember being handed a $7 Big Book at my first meeting and thinking: "Ah-ha!  Here's the catch - make some money selling self-help shit."  It was very off-putting to me; so off-putting that I equivocated on a purchase, pleading poverty, in a total lie, before sullenly buying the thing (which is sitting open on my desk, 33 years later).

(a) That you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life.
(b) That probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism.
(c) That God can and will (could and would if He were sought.)

If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away!

Okay this is fucking great.  I think they should have left this in there.  Maybe "you ought to re-read the book or get the fuck out of here!"

How It Works, 1940-ish

 I was at a meeting with an old friend who now lives in Texas today.  We were laughing about the fact that most California meetings close with The Serenity Prayer or the 3rd or 7th Step Prayer while in Texas it is the Lord's Prayer.  Period.  In Ohio it was the same thing.  Every now and then - just to be a pain in the ass - I'd propose at a business meeting that we end with a prayer other than the Lord's Prayer.  THAT was a giant stink bomb, I'll tell you what.  Because I knew that the proposal was Dead on Arrival I probably shouldn't have made the suggestion, but I couldn't help myself.  I even contacted our New York Central Office about the matter.  They pointed out, of course, that each group was free to do whatever they wanted as long as it doesn't injure A.A. as a whole.  They added, interestingly enough, that North America was virtually the only place in the world that used the Lord's Prayer to end a meeting.

The whole point here is that my old friend mentioned that one of his meetings reads the original text of How It Works to start the proceedings.  I didn't know that there was something that came before what we use now so I did some research.  Omigod that was worth the effort.  The text that follows in black is the original iteration with my comments highlighted in red.  I've underlined any words or phrases that diverge from the current text.  

One thing before we start - there is an interesting substitution in a number of places of "we" for "you."  

 Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our directions.  

Problems right out of the chute.  I really like that eventually the word "directions" was changed to "path."  Directions sounds too bossy.  Following a path makes me think of walking a well-trod route that has already been successfully navigated by lots of people.  A direction is a command given by someone who may or may not know what they're talking about.  Following a path is a stroll along a pleasant, tree-lined route, with maybe a burbling brook chortling nearby.

Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.  There are such unfortunates.  They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a way of life which demands rigorous honesty.  Their chances are less than average.  There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now.  If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to follow directions.

Again with the fucking directions.  And assuming that alcoholics are going to follow any directions is a big mistake.

At some of these you may balk.  You may think you can find an easier, softer way. We doubt if you can.  

Now here the language gets harshened up a bit after a couple of instances of toning down the rhetoric.  From "We doubt if you can" to " But we could not."  You cannot find an easier, softer way.  Trust me - every half-assed half-measure has been given a good run for its money in our Fellowship.

With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.  Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.  Remember that you are dealing with alcohol – cunning, baffling, powerful!  Without help it is too much for you.  But there is One who has all power – That One is God.  You must find Him now!

I'm amused at the "must" in this sentence.  Must - To do as a requirement.  I'm sure this was a big hit when it was first being read in meetings.  There's an old joke that telling an alcoholic what to do virtually guarantees non-compliance. 

Half measures will avail you nothing. You stand at the turning point. Throw yourself under His protection and care with complete abandon.

This was changed to "asking Him for his protection and care with complete abandon."  Throwing is too dramatic.  Throw mama from the train kinda dramatic.

Hilarious and informative stuff.  Tomorrow I'll get into the Step part of the text.

The Little Red Book

Some more A.A. history.  The following texts are from a book called The Little Red Book.  While it's a Hazelden (and not Central Office approved) publication there was a lot of collaboration with our founders.  I find some of the stuff interesting.

Step One

Physical health is a necessity but only a first step in recovery from our alcoholic illness.

Occasionally, some of us have resorted to drugs to give physical comfort or to induce sleep.  This practice is out for all alcoholics . . . 

Step Two

Step Two deals with mental illness.  For, ‘However intelligent we may have been in other respects, wherever alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane.’

Mental handicaps stand between us and recovery.  Our lack of self-criticism defeats an honest evaluation of our alcoholism.  Usage of the word sanity offends our false pride.  We admit our illness but rebel against question of mental soundness.

We should never forget that our physical drunks are always preceded by mental binges that end in spiritual blackouts.  

Step Three

The first three steps are a composite A.A. package.  Conceived of meditation and experience, they are a basic recovery prescription.  Taken with proper timing and in correct proportion they immediately arrest our alcoholic illness.  Complimenting each other, however, they fail to work if any one of them is omitted. 

Steps One and Two are the premise upon which we decide to surrender our alcoholic lives to God.  Step Three calls for this decision.  Honesty, faith, and prayer spark our success.

By first deciding what isolates us from Him we reach a spiritual awakening as we eliminate the isolating factors (character defects).

We should avoid the common mistake of confusing our minds with anxious thoughts regarding the time and manner God will manifest Himself to us.  Our understanding will come gradually as we earn and develop it.

The alcoholic should also keep in mind the value of relaxation aside from prayer.  We should not overlook the fact that all alcoholics are of restless disposition, that restlessness and tension area part of our trouble, that we once appeased this condition with alcohol, that we now seek to correct it under God’s supervision.

Step Three confuses us only when we reverse its suggested application.  The step has three parts.  First, a decision.  Second, we try to determine what constitutes our life and will.  Third, we seek an understanding of God by placing them in his care.

Faith and the Second Step

There's a lot of in-depth discussion about faith and God in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Really, we almost wish we could gloss over the whole concept so as not to irritate a whole shit-ton of people.  If there's one thing about A.A. that sticks in people's craw it's the idea of a higher power and that's why we bend over backwards to emphasize that this is a spiritual program, not a religious one.

Nonetheless, there's an entire chapter in the Big Book where we try to mollify and sweet-talk those of us who aren't inclined to accept religion.  Some of us have had bad experiences in organized religion; most of us don't like to be told what to do; and there's a sizable contingent who rejects the whole idea of God.

To all y'alls we say: Rock On.  Plenty of room in here for everyone.  One caveat: this particular Twelve Step Program is based on the concept of a Higher Power.  If this is totally objectionable we understand.  We get it.  If you want to try another way to get sober we're behind you 100%.  Our doors will always be open.  But if you're going to give Alcoholics Anonymous a shot you're probably going to find the sledding easier if you try to keep an open mind about some kind of Higher Power.

What follows is a selection of explaining and complaining and wheedling and dispensing opinions and theories for your perusal.  Happy reading.

No man, we saw, could believe in God and defy him, too.  Belief meant reliance, not defiance.  

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.

Knowledge was all-powerful.  Intellect could conquer nature.  Since we were brighter than most folks (so we thought) we could float above other people on our intellect alone.

In belaboring the sins of some religious people, we could feel superior to all of them.  Moreover, we could avoid looking at some of our own shortcomings.  This, of course, is the process by which instinct and logic always seek to bolster egotism, and so frustrated spiritual development.

Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God.

We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials.  We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run or recriminate.  Belief meant reliance, not defiance.

How persistently we claim the right to decide all by ourselves just what we shall think and just how we shall act.  We are certain that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee success in the world we live in.  This philosophy of self-sufficiency is not paying off.  Plainly enough, it is a bone-crushing juggernaut whose final achievement is ruin.

Isolation

Terrible isolation: Dreadful; causing terror, alarm, and fear. (Ed. Note: So you're alone and afraid, terrified, and alarmed. Lovely. Desirable. Something to shoot for. An admirable state of being.)

Torture: Intentional causing of somebody's experiencing agony. (Ed. Note: So you're alone, isolated, intentionally causing yourself agony. Great. Wow, go for it.)

Suffer: To undergo hardship; to feel pain; to become worse. (Ed. Note: So our aloneness, our isolation, causes us to feel pain. OK, then, great.)

For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we’ve always had.  Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness . . . nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong. 

Terrible Burden: A cause of worry; that which is previous, worrisome, or oppressive. (Ed. Note: So adding the aforementioned definition of terrible to the concept of a heavy load makes me say: Huzzah! Hooray!! Let's all enjoy our terrible burdens!)

The feeling of being at one with God and man, this emerging from isolation through the honest and open sharing of our terrible burden of guilt.   . . . the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable. . . 

For people who hate pain so much we sure cause a lot of it. The lifting of the pain begins when we start to look at ourselves honestly and to share these dark secrets with other . . . you know . . . alive people.

In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient.

You're kidding me? I can't sit by myself, in front of The TV, and break my arm patting myself on the back about what a great guy I am? I can't do that? "Seaweed, you're the best. None of this is really your fault." Shit, that works for me. Why would I need to check that kind of wisdom with anyone else?

I also like that, after being assaulted with words like terrible and torture and suffer we're offered this surprisingly prissy sentence, antiseptic and scrubbed of all censure: "Well, Buffy, could it be that only two types of canapes are a tad insufficient? My caterer usually thinks so."

Peace: A state of tranquility, quiet, and harmony; a state free from oppressive and unpleasant thoughts and emotions.

Ease: Freedom from worry and concern; freedom from pain, hardship, and annoyance; freedom from difficulty.

Freedom! Freedom!

We can look the world in the eye.  We can be alone in perfect peace and ease.  Our fears fall from us.  We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.

Now this sounds pretty good. Perfect peace and ease. Fearless. Looking straight ahead with confidence.

It's Probably You

  Balance:  A condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions; mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgement, etc.

I am sponsoring this guy from New Jersey.  He revealed recently the fact that I am his sponsor which was news to me, and also quite amusing, from my point of view.  Since he's from Jersey he's . . . hmmmm . . . a straightforward guy to deal with.  I'm fine with that.  I'd rather know where I stand with someone that suspect that they're telling me what I want to hear, whatever that is.  I'm also amused that I have had approximately zero success sponsoring California natives - everyone who is drawn to my personality and particular way of working The Twelve Steps seem to come from east of the Mississippi.  The Blunt side of the Mississippi.

Anyway, dude shared with me something that is going on with a work colleague that's along the lines of an argument or pissing contest or clash of wills.  This guy is awfully assertive so I'm guessing he's got a part in this, maybe a big part.  But who knows?  Maybe the guy he's dealing with is an asshole.  I'm not there.  He's the one who knows the circumstances and he's the one who has to live with the blow-back.  I'm not in the business of telling anyone what to do.  I don't have that kind of wisdom or that kind of power.  There's probably all kinds of fault to be tossed into the wind, willy-nilly.

So first of all I texted him a couple of quotes from our literature that suggest that we're often at fault.  We can be bad actors who allow our self-will to run rampant.  Then I sent a few that point out even if we're in the right and the other person is in the wrong we're still the blessed individual who has the benefit of this magnificent Program.  A line that goes around in the Seaweed household when one or the other of us is struggling with a relationship: "Who's the one with The Program?"  This comment produces a reaction that initially ranges from irritating to infuriating to enraging, but the receiving party almost always sees the wisdom, eventually at least.  

Finally, I added the line that "As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone."

I forewarned my friend because I led off with the "you're the asshole" part of the information.  I didn't want to be on the receiving end of the quick Jersey trigger.  Work through your progressions: it's probably you; if it's not you then it's important to go the extra mile; and, finally, we only take a certain amount of shit.