Money . . . That's What I want.

Control:  To dictate the behavior of (verb); influence or authority over something (noun).

I've been pondering this phenomenon of holding onto things.  The more tightly I grip them the more power they have over me.  The problem, as we all know, is that if I don't hold them tightly then I might lose my grip.  I might lose control.  Yet when I'm hanging on tightly I've already lost control.

See how frustrating this is?  There is so much shit in my recovery that is frustrating like this. 

Money is a particularly irritating subject in regards to control.  I take great pains to point out that I'm no longer in the position where I'm living on the edge financially - I spent a ton of time in this position and I know many of us come into The Rooms in this position - so please take this story with a grain of salt . . . 

This cruise we were on was a higher end cruise.  I got a great deal on it at the last minute.  I am, after all, my mother's son.  On the only other cruise we took the tips to the staff were not included - which was pretty irritating - but on this one they were - which was also pretty irritating.  I think the cruise lines should just pay their people well but there you go . . . 

We took some guided hikes on the trip at various ports and they were led by local guides.  On each one of these hikes (less one because the guides sucked) I tipped the guide $20.  For two people.  On hikes that lasted as long as seven hours.  I felt a little guilty about being so parsimonious until I realized I was the only person tipping anything.  I'm pretty sure there were a lot of wealthy people on the ship.  I'm pretty sure they could have afforded $20.  On the longest hike the young guy in charge was a high school teacher with 5 kids who was supplementing his income over the summer.  He couldn't have been making very much money.

Now maybe the other guests assumed that because tips were included for the ship's staff that they were also included for the tour guides.  That is so stupid it makes me laugh as I write it but I'm trying to be generous here.  The point I'm trying to make is that the $100 or so I tipped (and I'm rounding up, of course) has not changed my life but I think it was appreciated by the guides.  

I let loose of some of the money that I grasp so tightly and it set me free.