Perry Mason For The Defense

I listened to a guy share his Fourth Step this week.  I forgot how messy this process can be.  I didn't help things in retrospect, suggesting that he could sort of free-associate the inventory instead of using the four columns technique in our  Big Book, the result being that his self-analysis was all over the place.  It was like trying to make heads or tails of the path of a pinball when you're not controlling the flippers.  Say what you want about the four columns but they definitely add a lot of structure to the process.

I mostly listened, tossing in a comment now and then, but mostly listening - he was wound up as most of us are during our first Fourth Step, talking a mile a minute, so it was hard to get a word in edgewise anyway.  We had a short discussion about drug use: my history and beliefs compared to what the central office web site says all stirred up with the variety of opinions you'll get from different members.  He mentioned some recent cocaine use and a few concerts fueled by mushrooms and LSD.  I get it - I liked drugs, too.  Whatever.  We don't use illegal drugs or legal drugs obtained illegally.  We take great pains to make sure our health care providers know we're in recovery.  From time to time we find ourselves in situations where a pain killer is indicated but we take more great pains to suck it up and hurt a little bit before taking anything that might dull our reality.

I guess the point is this: are you trying to escape reality?

When I got home that night and began reflecting on the evening I realized it wasn't clear to me whether this drug use occurred before or after his self-proclaimed sobriety date.  The next day I bounced my suspicions off of a few trusted Program friends - all of them in my camp, the "WTF are you talking about with the LSD and cocaine camp" - and then gave this dude a call.

He's a nice man, a good and decent guy.  He's an adult with children that he takes care of and a business that he runs ethically.  His Fourth Step was frankly a little boring.  As I started to talk to him - he immediately clarified that these drug episodes occurred after his sobriety date - I was expecting some remorse or an impassioned but incoherent argument defending his ridiculous assertion that LSD use is compatible with effective sobriety.  I always stress that I'm not a spokesman for The Fellowship - I'm a dude who has found a path that works for me and - while this is a pretty standard path for people in The Fellowship - it isn't the only one that works.  I always encourage people to read a lot of literature and talk to a lot of folks, soaking up the wisdom, before coming up with a personal recovery plan.  I know good, solid members who won't work with an individual who is taking a medically supervised anti-depressant or even an anti-psychotic.  I think this is excessive but they don't - they direct potential sponsees to a member who is comfortable with this therapy and they do this in a non-judgmental way.

I felt like I was a lawyer who was prosecuting an individual wearing a black mask who had been caught with a gun standing in the foyer of a bank that had just been robbed and who was holding a bag of money clearly marked "Swag," and I was losing the argument.  He really wasn't defensive at all.  He told me that he didn't feel like he had a problem with drugs and that The Fellowship was about not drinking, wasn't it?  Period.  We talked a little about alcohol-free beer - you know the kind: it has a little alcohol in it? - and he confessed to drinking this, too.

At this point I'm sweating profusely.  I felt like the starting quarterback on a team that was four touchdown favorite finding myself down two scores at the two minute warning.

"What the fuck is going on here?" I thought.

I told him I didn't think he was sober.  My default position when working with someone new is to encourage them to talk to a lot of other people.  I also suggest bringing up the conundrum as a topic in a meeting and seeing what kind of feedback the group gives you.  I realized that I didn't know of any specific prohibitions on drug use and sobriety dates.  The Program is careful to point out that we deal with alcohol only and encourage drug addicts to look elsewhere.  We agree that our Twelve Step Program can help people with all kinds of problems - including drugs - but maintain that we are only experts in quitting alcohol.

I wonder if I became this guy's friend and this has hindered my tendency to speak plainly, even if it may sound offensive?  Normally I have my finger on the trigger when someone tries to advocate for casual drug use.

After I got off the phone I took a ramble on the world wide web, including the official web site of our Fellowship, to see what I could see about drug use in sobriety.  I was quite taken aback to find nothing specific from any site I would consider official.  There were a bunch of articles from private recovery programs and from recovery chat rooms and long threads among random individuals that had all kinds of opinions, some sane and some quite crazy, but nothing from the mother ship.  Drugs came up often but only in the context that we don't profess to fix drug addicts and that we don't give medical advice to people who may be taking a medically-prescribed drug that some of us frown on.

Hopefully he's pondering all of this.

I'm not giving him any chips marking recovery milestones, I'll tell you what.