Going To Hell

SuperK and I occasionally talk about Hell - more specifically, who's going to Hell in the Seaweed family.  At this point her status is no longer in question - we don't even discuss her chances any more because she's definitely going to Hell.  This was confirmed long ago and nothing in her subsequent behavior has changed the facts on the ground.  I'm probably going to Hell but over the years there has been a glimmer of hope, a faint chance, a dying ember (Ed Note: It's enough with the fire imagery already) that I might not go to Hell.  We figure one in a hundred, maybe one in fifty.  Slim but measurable.

So . . . . 

My Very Expensive Car uses oil.  All cars use oil, as far as I know - a car doesn't have to be Very Expensive to do this - but my car measures the oil level electronically, which may or may not be the case with all cars today.  Cars used to have Dip Sticks to measure the oil.  This didn't help me because I don't know what a Dip Stick is or where to access a Dip Stick or why they call them Dip Sticks.  In fact, I'm not allowed to even open up the engine compartment of cars. There's nothing I can do in there except lose a finger or sustain a burn.  Car salesmen are always trying to show me the engine area - I wave them off like I'm diverting a fighter jet trying to land on the deck of an aircraft carrier . . . at night . . . in the rain . . . on a rough sea.

I may even have mentioned that I have never seen the engine in this car.  I can open the back hatch and put groceries there and I can open the front hatch and put groceries there, too.  I assume the engine is in the middle of the car somewhere.  If the car needed oil I wouldn't know what kind of oil to use or where to put it.  I'd probably just pour a little bit on the passenger seat and hope this did the trick.

For some reason the other day I decided to electronically check my oil.  I can do this from the safety and comfort of the passenger compartment.   

"Oil Information Not Available At This Time"

Fair enough.  Over the next few days I tried again and again.  I tried when the engine was hot and when the engine was cold; I tried when I was driving the car and when the car was parked; I tried with the engine running and with the engine off, on flat surfaces and on steep hills; I raged and I wept and I pleaded.

"Oil Information Not Available At This Time" 

My last attempts to check the oil happened as I was driving to my meeting this morning.  It was another pretty emotional meeting because of the fire and all of the losses people had sustained.  Here's the thing: I could barely listen to any of it because I was thinking about the fucking oil in my car.  I knew this was totally self-centered and shallow but I couldn't get the thread to stop.  I stayed outside and talked for a long time afterwards all while I was thinking about the oil.

I drove home, determined to find some information in the car manual about checking the oil.  I couldn't find the car manual, which I immediately blamed on my wife.  Why she would have the car manual is beyond me but she was there and blamable.  My theory is that most people get married for two reasons and two reasons only: sex and to have someone RIGHT THERE to blame for everything you don't want to take responsibility for.  Love and companionship and teamwork?  All bullshit.

Anyway, the car will give you the oil level when the engine is at operating temperature, the ignition is turned to the Off position, the car is on a level surface, and Black Sabbath is playing on the CD player after one minute.  I'm not sure why this is but it definitely worked.  Begging the question of why I didn't listen at the meeting and solve this solvable and not that important "problem" when I got home.

Hell?  Or Heaven?