Logic, Straightened

This is an end of an era.

I have decided to leave my father be.  I look back to the first few days of my visit and I believe my behavior fell into the category of badgering and hectoring when I wanted to be supportive and compassionate.  Dad is sharp as a tack - he is aware of what he's doing.  If he wants to drink beer at 6AM and then maintain a mild buzz all day long, ingesting most of the calories not due to the alcohol in the form of highly processed sugar, so be it, right?  Did I think that if I pointed out that this didn't fall under any recommended dietary plan for the elderly that he would have been shocked?  My intent was never to make him feel worse than he already does.

The Old City, I think, is going to keep receding further and further into the rear view mirror.  I've been back 8 or 9 times in 4 years, and that's enough for a while.  My mother and my sponsor have died, my father has chosen his path with vigor and prejudice, and my sister and her family are just fine without me.

I have spent a great deal of time trying to stay in touch with a lot of old friends, an effort that has by and large not been reciprocated, and that's OK, too.  I've always been one of the most diligent people I know in this regard - it's unusual, I think.  I'm the outlier, not the people who are blithely going about their business, not thinking of me, not trying to stay in touch.  I found this irritating the first couple of times before settling into the acceptance routine.  I was a piece of a complicated puzzle; I was removed while the rest of the puzzle stayed put; and I'm mad at the puzzle?  Give me a break.

The hazard I run when I try to maintain old contacts in an overly rigorous manner is that I don't make the effort to develop my local contacts - it has been far easier to decide to call someone who I've known for 25 years than someone who I've known for one.  I still love the old friends and I still want to stay in touch but I think it needs to be an occasion and not the norm.

Is this the last time I see my father alive?  Could be, could be.