Mountains and Molehills

Worse:  (Comparative form of bad); more bad.

To Make A Mountain Out Of A Molehill:  To treat a problem as greater than it is; to blow something out of proportion; to exaggerate the importance of something trivial.  

My ability to Make A Bad Thing Worse is exceeded only by my skill in Making A Mountain Out Of A Molehill.  The other day I was finishing up a busy morning of attending a meeting and sitting on my ass drinking coffee in the sun when I decided to wax my car.  I figured I should try to do something productive in case someone asked me what I did that morning.  I stopped at a car wash on the way home and then wasted a smaller amount of time sitting on my ass at home before heading out to my garage to get my car wax, if by "garage" you mean "large, flimsy, tin shed smaller than the smallest car made."

Alas, I could find no wax in my cursory search.  I searched more thoroughly.  Still no wax.  Then what I do is deny the facts of my problem.  I continued to search because I knew the wax was there.  I couldn't believe there was no wax.  I spent a fair amount of time looking at all of the places that I had already looked at, apparently believing that the wax would materialize.  I'm good at ignoring facts and at creating reality out of fiction.

I was quite pissed.  I get in my car and drive to a nearby grocery store.  The drive took about 10 minutes.  I know this because I checked the clock before I left.  I wanted to see how much of my precious coffee-drinking and ass-flattening time I was wasting.  I pop out of my vehicle, slap the back pocket of my shorts, discover that I had left my wallet at home.

I stood there and contemplated this for a moment.  I considered going into the store, taking the wax through the checkout line, then saying: "Omigod, I forgot my wallet."  I was calculating my odds at talking them into giving me the wax and not giving them any money.  "I'll come back," I would assure them.  I was pretty sure I could pull it off.  I'm a salesman and a liar and a charming, charming guy.

I thought "What if they say no?"  Then I would have wasted another 10 minutes and still be no closer to owning a can of wax.  I cut my losses and drove home - carefully drove home.  I wanted to rush but I have experience making matters worse when I'm pissed and in a hurry.  I didn't want to wreck my unwaxed car over a $6 can of wax.

I retrieve my wallet, drive back to the store, and locate the auto care aisle where I find exactly zero cans of wax.  I did find products to treat my leather, repair my leather, remove tar and bug gunk and bird shit, make my black parts even blacker, shine up my tires, do all sorts of things to my fuel injection system, carburetor, brake lines, and transmission, even a product to treat my windshield so that water runs off more easily, which is what I thought . . . you know . . . windshield wipers were for.

I purchase a 99 cent head of lettuce.  I didn't want to look like an idiot with an unwaxed car walking around a grocery store.  I have an image as a VIP that needs to be maintained.  I declined the plastic bag to transport the lettuce home where I lay down and took a nap.

I had been way too productive already that day.