Oh, Were You Out of Town?

Analyze:  To examine in such a manner as to ascertain the elements or nature of the thing examined: as to analyze an action to ascertain its morality.

I've been analyzing and re-analyzing and re-evaluating and agonizing over the decision to move.  I never let well enough alone.  I'm sure I'm making the wrong decision, selfishly pursuing my own selfish desires at the expense of everyone else.  I never pass up an opportunity to be miserable.

Guilt.  I love guilt.

When I walked back into my home group at Vacation Town I got a big old warm reception.  I got a lot of hugs.  One guy said I made his day.  People swarmed around me if by "swarmed" you mean "waved vaguely from across the room, not bothering to get up."  They seemed to remember me - at least they pretended to with some convinceability.  Back in The New City there was a whole lot of "meh" with the occasional "were you out of town?" mixed in.  I don't mean this to sound critical of one place and not the other.  They're both wonderful cities and I've enjoyed my time in both; it's just that Vacation Town has been a better fit.  I feel like I've been a football player in full football regalia sitting in a baseball dugout.  The problem isn't with the baseball part - it's with the Little Stevie Seaweed, outside linebacker part.  I've been walking around the 4th green in my spikes trying to line up putts, wondering why no one was nodding warmly in my direction.

There's a very quiet, very reserved man in my home group in Vacation City.  He has my snarky, sarcastic sense of humor - making him a big star in my eyes - but I haven't developed much of a close relationship with him yet, mostly because of his unwillingness to extend himself socially.  I greeted him warmly on my return, shouldered past his outstretched hand, and gave him a big hug, which is what I do, and told him how much I missed him, to no great effect.  This was all OK with me - I take what people can give for the most part.

Later that day I was fretting in my room, worrying about something in the future that I had no control over.  My phone rang.  It was my friend.

"I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated what you said this morning," he said.  "I struggle with my social skills.  I didn't want you to be put off by my manner."

This, of course, made my day.  This made my anxiety evaporate for a few seconds.  This was one of the signs that helped confirm that I'm walking in god's path.  I understand that it doesn't mean that I'm going to groove on the every little outcome - god isn't in the business of satisfying my desires - but it does help me feel confident that I'm making good decisions.  I feel like I'm trying to do god's will.

Soldier on.