Let Us Prophesize

Prophet:  A person who speaks for God or a god, or as though under divine guidance.

I spend a lot of time in the best coffee shop in the world, Lookout Joe's.  Too much time, I think.  I have my own personal chair on the patio out front.  A friend from The Program was jogging by one morning and circled back to yell: "I can't even picture this place without you sitting there."  If someone is in my chair when I show up, I ask the manager to turn out the interloper, which she has yet to do.  Apparently it really isn't my chair. 

I have gotten to know the young woman who runs the place and her fiancee.  We share a similar sense of humor and also a somewhat irreverent view of life.  A few weeks ago the guy, Jimbo, called me up and asked if I would meet him one morning.

"What's up?" I asked.
"I just want to go over a few things," he vaguely replied.
"Uh-oh," I thought.  "Cold feet."

When we were seated comfortably outside with our drinks Jimbo mentioned that he wasn't the most religious person in the world.  He then told me that it had come to his attention that it was relatively easy to become certified or authorized or whatever it would be called to perform legal wedding ceremonies in the state of Ohio.  I was already lying on the ground, in hysterics.

"Oh, absolutely," I screamed.  "Absolutely I'll do this."

I figure a few minutes in front of a captive audience that's in a good mood, with a microphone and carte blanche to say whatever I want?  What's not to like?  I've never been one to shy away from the absurd.  It takes a lot of energy to locate the absurd so I'm not going to run away when the absurd is dropped right on my lap, gift-wrapped.

So I am now ordained.  I am a Prophet.  There were a lot of titles to pick from but Prophet seemed best.  I also liked missionary and evangelist but SuperK nixed those.  We didn't consider minister or pastor or any of the more traditional choices.  Probably I could have made up any title I wanted but Prophet seemed to be pretty good. 

Really, I have a business card -- a laminated business card so it has to be real -- that says I'm a Prophet.  Business cards really lend an aura of respectability to the position.  I bet there that the church that ordained me doesn't have too impressive a building.  I bet it doesn't have a building at all.  Probably a couple of guys in a garage somewhere.  But, really, how is this any different that some guy in an Elvis jump suit in Vegas performing a marriage?  Or a part time mayor in some hick town in Arkansas?

I'm really going to enjoy this.