The Medicine Man

Medicine Man: A man supposed to have supernatural powers of curing disease and controlling spirits.

Farmer Bill had some surgery this week. I hope it went well but if not, eh. It's not like I'm in any pain so I'm having trouble generating any enthusiasm, and I like Farmer Bill. I did feel that it was my duty as someone enjoying Advanced Sobriety to pass along my experience, strength, and hope concerning pain medication. Everybody tells me that they would have trouble navigating through life if I wasn't dispensing advice. Well, technically they don't actually tell me but I know what they're thinking. I know they're grateful when I tell them what to do. All of 'em are.

First and foremost, don't tell anybody what medication has been prescribed. It's none of their business. You can handle it all by yourself. If you invite someone besides me to give you advice, you might get some bad advice, or this person might sneak into your house when you're all groggy from the pills and steal some or all of your medication, depending on how good it is. Handle the pills in the privacy of your own home, with the blinds drawn and the Jimi Hendrix playing softly.

Never, ever take more than half of a bottle at once unless it's a small bottle or you have built up a lot of tolerance and you can handle the contents of a big bottle. Of course, if the pain is worse than you thought it was going to be or you think that it might get worse -- even if you are having no pain right now -- err on the side of excess. We wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable.

And since I'm a fair, balanced and open-minded dude I'll pay lip service to the opposing point of view, which is that all medication is always bad and serves no purpose other than to facilitate a good party. These people are idiots. These people have never needed a root canal. There is nothing wrong with legal medication legally prescribed for an actual condition. The problem is us. We look at the bottle of Oxycontin -- a legal drug -- and note that it doesn't say that you can't grind all of the pills into a powder and snort them in a matter of hours, so it must be OK, right?

Just remember -- the slider is going to be hard on your rotator cuff. Just ask Bill.