I had a long conversation yesterday with a young man who grew up in foster homes, and to this day doesn't know who is parents are. Almost every time we speak he surprises me with some behavior that I should have known about - that it would have been healthy for him to tell me about, to tell someone about, anybody, some homeless dude just to hear himself talk - but that I did not, in fact, know about. I don't think he's trying to hide anything or to deceive anyone - I think it doesn't occur to him to talk to another person about stuff that's going on. For instance, he seems to have problems with a fear of abandonment. No shit, right? To be abandoned as a child, to feel unloved, to be raised in a chaotic environment, and then try to sustain a healthy relationship with other people? I see him careen between taking hostages and continuing to pursue relationships that clearly aren't working. None of this makes him a bad guy or a fatally flawed one but I'm continually surprised when he casually mentions spending time with someone who behaved in a way - not long ago - that convinced him the relationship was over. I find myself saying: "Wait . . . what? You did what? With that person?" I'm more surprised that he isn't keeping me in the loop over his behavior than with the behavior itself. I understand why two incompatible people who are driving each other mental keep returning to their own conjoined, codependent mental institution but why he doesn't think to loop me in is the cipher. I don't think he's worried that I'll tell him not to do something - I think it just doesn't occur to him to talk to someone else about what he's doing.
I will occasionally shoot off a text to a young woman whose father is an intractable homeless dude, a man who has been homeless for a long time and doesn't seem interested in changing, a man who is uninterested in being part of her life. So guess what? She's a fiercely independent person, not at all needy, who manages her life just fine most of the time. But, on occasion, I'll get a long reply full of drama and anger that shows me that she is not used to including anyone else in what's going on. Not me, not anyone, and I see how this isolation can really be a hindrance to a calm, collected day.
I'm convinced that we all get used to not having something and then if we get it we're surprised at how much we missed it and how satisfying it is to have it.
Misery: A condition of great wretchedness or suffering; extreme unhappiness. It's not dropping your ice cream cone - it's having a hairy monster steal your ice cream cone, eat it in one bite, and then kidnap you and carry you off to his cave.
Suffering: When painful emotions get activated in response to a difficult circumstance; the state of undergoing pain, stress, or hardship.
I read these two excellent words in The Big Book recently. When I staggered into A.A. I was suffering in misery. Misery is what I was enduring. I believe the old aphorism which states: "Pain is inevitable - suffering is optional." Today this kind of wisdom, hard-earned, often makes me immune to the suffering - for the most part or at least helps me manage it - when difficult things happen to me. I can feel the pain but I have the tools to deal with it so I don't descend into long-term suffering.
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