Someday . . .

 Someday I'm going to reread some of this stuff that I've written.  I suspect that I'm going to see themes and attitudes and behaviors repeated over and over and over.  During the pandemic I reread about 20 years of my personal diary.  What I found was that themes and attitudes and behaviors were repeated over and over and over.  I confess to being frustrated a few times, flinging the thing aside, and muttering: "For God's sake you've been talking about this behavior for months and ever years - why don't you do something about it?!"  One of the most profound concepts that has come across my desk in the last few years is the idea that yesterday's behaviors are probably going to be today's behaviors.  And I think this becomes more and more likely the older we get.  Patterns get entrenched.  Behaviors become barnacles on the soul.  You practically have to jackhammer the fuckers to get them off.

To wit: the schism of my favorite A.A. home group pissed me off royally for the longest time and it did so despite the fact that many of the people who left pissed me off just as much.  I would repeatedly write down a list of friends and "friends" that I didn't see any more and I was usually pissed off about this.  This mental behavior lasted and lasted.  At some point I came to the realization that my life was actually improving without these irritants irritating me, although this didn't stop me from continuing my general irritation.  At some point and it was a point that was far too far down the road I lost my irritation.  I concentrated on who I was with and what I was doing instead of how things used to be.  I cannot emphasize how long this took to accomplish.  I don't even think that's the right word - I can't emphasize how long it took for this realization to take hold deep down inside me.

Another thing I've written about repeatedly is my irritation at the lack of effort my friends make to stay in touch with me after I've made the decision to leave a city or town or state.  I'm mad that all the effort to maintain the relationship is coming from me neatly ignoring the fact that I'm the guy who left and it's not their fault that we don't see each other regularly anymore.  Recently I've had some release from this as well; I've winnowed down my list of people to contact to just a few people.  This also has been a great release.  The phone call I had with my pastor friend really affirmed all this - I hadn't talked to him in a few years and we had a wonderful time talking, easily falling into the familiar cadence that has existed between us since high school.  

My friend who called me one of his best friends even though we never talk helped with this release - it allowed me to contemplate the nature of love and friendship.  It allowed me to see that my behavior had a little stale whiff of control in it, doing things on my terms, following my rules.

You'd think after all this time on this earth I'd be better at some of these simple things.  You'd think.