Of Shape-Shifting and Aliens

Comfortable in My Own Skin:  Relaxed and confident in one's manner of presenting oneself and interacting with others; conveying the impression that one has a clear, satisfying of one's abilities and situation.

That should be one of The Steps.  When I came into recovery I didn't have a great sense of who I was.  I had a great ability to divine who I thought you wanted me to be and the gumption to try to become this person.  It's not that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin - it's that I didn't even have a skin.  I was wearing someone else's skin.  If I wasn't trying on someone else's skin for a good fit I was wandering around skinless.

I was an alien.  I was a shape-shifting, obscure, indistinct form moving through the world.  I had a being, a soul, but it was not where it was supposed to be and I could say that only on the odd occasion when I had any idea at all where it was.  Sometimes I was a mass of exposed organism, shivering in the wind.

It wasn't very comfortable.

Confirmation Bias:  The tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one's existing beliefs or theories.

For instance: sitting in a bar - drunk - trying to convince the other drunks that the reason I got fired or beat up or kicked out was because everyone else in the entire world is a total asshole and not because I behaved in a manner that precipitated the firing or beating or kicking.  The other drunks - familiar with these results and eager to justify their own bad behavior - would, to a man, leap to my defense.

I believed something.   I sought out people with similar beliefs.  They confirmed my beliefs.  They co-signed my bullshit, in other words.  The truth was extraneous because I didn't care about the truth.  The truth contradicted my narrative.

So my friends speak plainly to me.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  If I'm acting like a jerk I want to be told that I'm acting like a jerk.  I'll admit that at the start it could be pretty jarring.  I didn't want to hear about my failings.

I speak plainly to my friends.  I stick my nose into their business.  Sometimes they don't appreciate this and they react strongly, but I don't care about that very much.  They're my friends so I feel free to speak plainly.

I don't know what I'm talking about, obviously.

Pain and Suffering

"Suffering I teach, and the way out of suffering," proclaimed the Buddha.  Here 'suffering' does not mean pain but the profound discomfiture which we experience when all our attempts to remedy or evade pain prove futile."

"Run away!  Run away!"  the Monty Python Knights of the Round Table taking decisive action when a battle isn't going their way.

Boy, do I hate pain.  Boy, do I hate emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual pain.

"Oh, it's not the physical part I'm worried about - I could handle the physical part.  It's the mental part that would kill me.  They'd take me off there in a body bag."  Little Westside Jonny, in a spirited argument with me over the likelihood that either of us would be able to survive an entire night on a little jungle island in the middle of a swampy, crocodile-infested, piranha-protected, mosquito-controlled lake in the wilds of Ecuador.  He maintained that he would not attempt it for any amount of money.  I think I got down as low as $50,000 before stating that I would refuse the assignment.  I couldn't believe he wouldn't do it for half a million.  He was adamant.  In hindsight, he was also quite correct.

It's not the pain.  It's the suffering when I try to evade the pain.

Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.

Boom! Goes the Land Mine

Today The Best Share of the Day Award went to this dude I've known since he got sober three years ago.  He has been a source of frustration for me during this time because he doesn't Do It Right.  He does it, of course, almost identically to the way I did it when I was getting sober; namely, in his own time frame and after his own fashion.

Anyway, it has become apparent that he made some kind of psychic breakthrough or series of spiritual advances recently.  With some of us it's incredibly transparent - we look different, we carry ourselves differently, with more care and consideration and perspective.  Previously my buddy was well protected by a thicket of land mines.  He was able to find something objectionable in everything I said, something that would trigger a defensive posture, an argument.  I'd say something that I thought was pretty benign and Boom!  a land mine would detonate.  It was a ton of work to talk to him.  I had to carefully parse everything I said for any residue of potential offense that he could find objectionable.  It was exhausting, frankly.

He was in our kitchen looking through a serving window into the meeting hall when he felt this strong surge of peace.  He said he wanted to reach through the window and give the meeting secretary a big hug, thank him for his service.  I know that feeling.  Most of the time my Type A, anxious, competitive, perfectionist personality is driving me to find fault, anticipate problems, focus on challenges, and not to see blessings.  Sometimes I wake up and just sit there and glow.  I try to enjoy these moments.  Most of my moments should be these moments and not the rare exception.

A few days ago I left for the meeting when it was still dark out.  I turned my car around and was face to face with this huge yellow full moon sitting right on top of the horizon.  I stopped my car and looked at it for a few minutes.  It was . . . spectacular.  I would never never have seen this before.  I would have been deep inside my own mind, arguing with someone who wasn't there.

HOW

Open-minded:  Willing to consider new and different ideas or opinions.
Stubborn:  Refusing to move or change one's opinion; obstinate; firmly resisting; persistent in doing something.

Inscribed on our anniversary coins are the three legs of recovery: HOW, or Humble - Open-minded - Willing.  My coin should read: ACK, or Arrogant - Close-minded - Krude.  Eh, what can I tell you - I couldn't come up with something appropriate for the last K so I jammed in a word, unwilling to give up the final K.  I could have used Resistant (ACR, which could be a data-processing firm) or Stubborn (ACS - sounds like a disease), maybe Evasive (ACE, a great personal nickname but that's about it).

We talked about how important it is be open-minded about our recovery.  I know from experience that anything that I don't come up with on my own I throw onto the rubbish heap.  

Dude said to me early on: "How's it going for you, Seaweed?"

Not too well.

"Maybe you should try something different."

Much better.