Oklahoma Scatback

This is a quote by a guy named Ajahn Chah.  He sounds like a back-up halfback riding the bench at Oklahoma.  Maybe he returns punts now and again but that's about it.  Frankly, it sounds like a made-up name.  Good stuff, though.  Not my stuff.

"We human beings are constantly in combat, at war to escape the fact of being so limited, limited by so many circumstances we cannot control.  But instead of escaping, we continue to create suffering, waging war with good, waging war with evil, waging war with what is too small, waging war with what is too big, waging war with what is too short or too long, or right or wrong, courageously carrying on the battle."

This is me again.

It's just anxiety.  It has always been with me to a certain extent.  It comes and goes in its severity but it is almost always there.

It is part of me.  It isn't my enemy.  It's a psychological receptor that's giving me feedback about some injury to my psyche just like my finger sends a warning when I get to close to something hot.  It's a messenger.  Isn't there something somewhere about not shooting the messenger?

Talk to me, Anxiety.

I shouldn't try to control it.  I'm not going to deny it or fight it or try to make it go away.  I'm not mad at it.  I can sit with it.  See what it has to say even if I want to kill it dead.  Acknowledge it and move back to positive thoughts.

This is from the mind of a man who lost a long time job at an auto plant and was never able to replace the good union wages he had: "But that is part, he believes, of accepting that the old times are gone.  Part of not dwelling on what you can't change."

This message is everywhere.

I'm going to list some statistics here.  I would only be fabricating if I tried to supply the exact numbers but the general tenor is correct. . . 
A huge percentage of anti-anxiety medication, painkillers, and anti-depressants are consumed in the US, a country with only 5% of the world's population,
A huge percentage of ER room visits are from people suffering anxiety attacks who think they're dying.
A huge percentage of MD visits are from patients who are looking for some pharmacological solution to fear and anxiety.

"You're doing this to yourself."  SuperK

Jack, Baby

So the following is a quote from a guy named Jack Kornfield, which is a pretty good name.  I wish I was wise enough to write with this level of understanding.  It spoke to me this morning.

"The unawakened mind tends to make war against the way things are.  Without understanding, we can easily become frightened by life’s fleeting changes, the inevitable losses, conflicts, disappointments, the insecurity of our human lot with its aging and death.  Misunderstanding leads us to fight against life, grasping at false security and seeking permanence in things that by their nature can never be truly satisfying.

Contemporary society fosters our tendency to deny reality—we seek to protect ourselves from any direct difficulty and discomfort.  We expend enormous energy denying change, covering our insecurity, fighting, pain, death, and loss, and hiding from the basic truths of the natural world.

With mindfulness and compassion we can let go of our battles and open our heart with kindness to things just as they are.  Then we come to rest in the present moment.  Only in the reality of the present can we love, can we awaken, can we find peace and understanding and connect with ourselves and the world."

Two Days, Baby

The group passed around a generic birthday card for me at the meeting yesterday.  A lot of pleasantly generic greetings showed up: some people that I don't know very well felt obligated to write something and some people that I know well didn't know what to write.  One guy drew a picture of me in a hat which was definitely unique but a little weird.

While I'm uncomfortable with official rituals I was still overwhelmed with the obvious affection that was coming at me.  It's one thing to see it on an individual basis, another altogether when there are a bunch of people involved.

Here are a few of my favorites . . . . 

Thank you for all of your good energy and help.  Your friend, Twitch.

This from a woman who is almost as high-strung as me.  I called her "twitchy" one day and she's never let me forget it.

You rock!!  Love the doves.  Amy

Amy is kind of California flower child who has tattoos of birds all over her body.  I told her the story about a couple of mourning doves sitting on my chimney right after my mom died, and cooing away.  The noise bounced around the flue, sounding almost amplified.  I have no doubt that it was a message from mom.

Steve  I sought my soul - my soul eluded me.  I sought my God - my God I could not see.  I sought my brother - and I found all three.  Loretta

From my wife's sponsor.

READ AND ACCEPT.  So much love here for you . . . evidence of a higher power.  Rob

Rob is a first tier friend.  He knows I don't accept compliments graciously which is a kind of reverse egotism, like refusing gifts and ruining the joy of giving a gift for the gift-giver, when the proper response is: "Thank you."

Some people confused "are" instead of "our" and using "your" instead of the contraction "you're" was common.  The word guy in me couldn't look away.  Lots of exclamation points.  No need to shout, people, I'm right here.

LSD Boy wrote something nice so I guess I haven't pissed him off too much.  (Note to self - you have something to work on.)

It was mentioned more than once that I always speak to the new people.  This makes me happy and it's true.

Here, though, was my favorite: 

Steve - This is my second meeting.  Thank you for the inspiration and walking the path ahead.  Happy Birthday!  Evan S.

Thirty-One

31 Years today.

Well, here are some of the things I've heard over the years . . . 

"Now, that's continuous sobriety, right?  You don't get to just add up all the days you've been clean and string them together."

-- Farmer Bill

"Man, you're old."

 -- (Mt Washington Chuck upon hearing how loud I'd been sober.  Fair disclosure - he has since disputed this incident.  Tough shit.  It's my blog.  I get to say whatever I want, and I never let the truth get in the way of a good story).

"Year (fill in the blank) is the hardest."

-- Ken H.  (He mentioned this at each of my anniversaries, ever mindful that The Program really is One Day At A Time.)

"Man, if you can do it anybody can do it."

-- Legions of smart-ass friends.

I'm still waiting to be invited to the Special Room where the long-timers hang out and where you don't have to Work the Steps or Practice the Principles.  This has not yet happened.

The newcomer plops down in a meeting, turns to his left: "How long you been sober?"

"30 years."

Turns to his right: "How about you?"

"30 days."

Ponders.  Turns to the new guy: "So how did you do it?"

If you're working away at this you've got something to pass along.

Some Mo' Gratitude

Pain:  An unpleasant sensation, resulting from a derangement of functions, disease, or injury by violence.
Suffering: To undergo hardship; to feel pain; to become worse.

"I have an inordinate low-grade fascination with my own suffering."

I heard this in a meeting yesterday and it really resonated with me.  And then there's this oldie but goodie . . . 

"Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional."

I didn't understand what that meant for the longest time.

Congratulations to Spandex for 20 years yesterday.  That's a long time.  He called to tell me that he announced this milestone at a meeting where the secretary calls on people randomly.  He was not asked to share, of course, which surprised him a little bit and amused him a great deal more.  As it should be.  Humility is earned in the most unusual ways.  It is not given to us freely with no effort on our part.  For many years in The Old City SuperK's sponsor - who attended many of the same meetings as I did - celebrated her anniversary the same week that I did.  She had 10 years more sobriety than I did, effectively deflating whatever impressiveness I felt about whatever milestone I was marking.  Humility, indeed.

Thanks to Willie for calling me up to get my opinion about whether or not he should do something he didn't want to do even though he knew that he would do it anyway.  He took a while justifying the shit out of why it would be OK not to do this thing.  I laughed and told him that of course he had to do it.  He thanked me for my honesty but I knew he was going to get to the right answer eventually without any input from me.  That's what we try to do - the right thing.  Even when we don't want to.

Thanks to LSD Boy for getting me to square up my self-righteous beliefs with my dicier behaviors. 

Thanks for all y'all.

Assumptions? Challenged.

Assumption:  The act of taking for granted, or supposing a thing without proof; a supposition; an unwarrantable claim.

When I came into The Fellowship my positions were fixed in place.  With Super Glue.  What I believed, how I viewed the world, was unmovable, immutable.  My opinions were fact.  This is why a lot of us struggle at the start: we don't believe anything that contradicts our positions is valid.

More insanity.  Disregarding something - with tons of proof and tons of living examples - without batting an eye.

LSD Boy is testing the validity of my open-mindedness.  He took a coin today celebrating a year of sobriety.  He did not ask me - his sponsor - to give him this coin, and I'm glad about this because I would have politely refused, given my stance that casual drug users are not, in fact, sober.

Despite the fact he has presented a ton of evidence that - technically speaking, officially speaking - he IS sober.  On top of that he stresses that he has made the decision to refrain from casual drug use.  I suspect that he still doesn't think drugs are a problem but what does that mean to me?  How is that important to me?  I guess it would be like asking a newcomer if he or she could stay sober forever.  I personally didn't quit drinking for anything more than a day at a time, suggesting that I might have been leaving the door open to some continued drinking down the road.

Funny how there are a ton of blurry edges around almost everything.  When I profess to support the idea of Live and Let Live do I really mean it, or is my interpretation more along the lines of Live and Do It My Way or You're Doing It Wrong?  And then don't I have a personal obligation to stick to my own set of ethics, to be true to what feels right in my own heart?

I congratulated him warmly on his milestone and we chatted pleasantly for a while after the meeting.  I didn't harangue him about . . . well, about anything, and he's not doing a lot of stuff right in my book.

Tricky stuff.

Suffused With Insanity

Insane:  Exhibiting unsoundness or disorder of mind; characterized by the utmost folly.

My belief is that there was some kind of divine providence associated with the writing of The Big Book.  I don't want this to sound too mystical or religous-ey, either.  I think divine inspiration happens all the time - look at Galileo or Michelangelo or Hemingway or Picasso or Beethoven - that kind of beauty is beyond the scope of human capability.  I'm of the opinion that something was going on that was too big to be fully formed in the minds of our founders.

So I believe that the words that are found in our literature are important.  I think a Power Greater Than Ourselves was helping the writers along.  And I think that there was a great deal of collaboration among a larger circle of the original members.  These folks were hashing over each and every word and thought.  Yeah, I know I'm a word guy but still I ponder the meaning of a lot of the words I find.

To me insane means totally, bat-shit crazy.  Not goofy or silly but lacking basic soundness of mind and reason.  Making decisions that don't grasp the connection between intent and outcome.

"What were you thinking?"  How often did I hear that when I was drinking?

I have this problem with caffeine.  I have an exaggerated reaction to drinking caffeine - any caffeine - that is especially acute when I drink something with a high caffeine content, like the coffee I make it home.  Every day.  First thing in the morning.  The crux of the problem is that I so love the jolt it gives my body - I can feel my heart rate increase, my blood pressure go up, all of this lovely, lovely energy flowing into my susceptible mind, a great joyous sense of well-being suffusing suffusing suffusing . . . . 

See . . . this is not how normal people react to things.

So I sit there, jolted, perfectly aware that in a couple of hours I'll crash, that the physical effect on my body will be edgy nervousness, my joints tense, inflammation spreading, and I'll feel like shit.  It happens every time.  I can make the jolt and the dump more intense by adding sugar to this mess.

Why wouldn't I stop doing this?  It makes no sense whatsoever. 

Being of Begrudging Service

In my morning Quiet Time I ask every day to be shown how I may be of service today.  I figure this takes the focus off me, makes me open to what my Higher Power wants instead of what I want.

After the meeting yesterday I found myself talking to a guy with 11 days of sobriety.  He was making absolutely no sense at all.  I'm not sure if he has some kind of mental illness or if he was still jonesing after quitting the drugs and alcohol  - probably a combination of both - but he was the only inhabitant of his own very strange world.  You know the kind of conversation -  the one where you don't bother talking because the person isn't listening and wouldn't remember what you were saying anyhow.

Silently, I directed my thoughts to my Higher Power: "Uh, aren't there any attractive young women that I could be of service to instead?"

I often reflect on a famous religious about a wedding that took place in an ancient time.  The bride's father provided the meal and an expensive wine for the post-ceremony toasts.  The only thing he asked was that each guest bring a flask of house wine to be put in a communal vessel for anyone who wanted to drink during the party that followed.

One clever dude - undoubedly an alcoholic - thought: "Hmmm.  I'm a-gonna bring a bottle of water instead to dump into the flask.  No one will be the wiser and I'll get to drink for free."

After the toasts the first guest walked up to the flask, opened the spigot, and filled a glass full of  . . . crystal clear water.

I need these reminders that what I do is important.

Semantics Et Al

In reviewing some old notes here is a selection of the words I have looked up . . . 

Defiant:  One who refuses to obey.

Doesn't sound like anyone I know.

Patient:  Able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.

I seriously have no idea what this means.

Will:  A person's determination, choice, or desire in a particular situation.

This is the thing that's so hard to turn over.  You can easily see why.  My choice or god's choice?  Please.

Wisdom:  The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement.  "Knowledge is really about facts and ideas that we acquire through study, research, investigation, observation, or experience.  Wisdom is the ability to discern and judge which aspects of that knowledge are true, right, lasting, and applicable to your life."

I have one of these.  Not the important one.

Egotism:  The practice of talking and thinking about oneself excessively because of an undue sense of self-importance. 

Yes.  Yes.  Yessir.

Guilt:  A feeling of responsibility for some offense, crime, wrong, etc.; an unhappy feeling, whether wrong or imagined.

I think the operative word here is "imagined."

Worry:  Give way to anxiety or unease; allow one's mind to dwell on difficulty or trouble.

Don't you get the sense that the individual is ceding all control to that individual's own mind?  Why not NOT allow one's mind etc. etc. etc..

Sober:  Marked by a sedate or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor; unhurried; calm; showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice.

Ah, yes, sobriety.  Ironically with the best word of the group I was doing some research - unsuccessful ultimately - to trip up LSD boy.

This and That

Endearing:  Inspiring affection or love, often in a childlike way.

I had a nice freewheeling conversation with Little Westside Johnny today about religion and spirituality.  I continue to maintain that one of the great strengths of our Fellowship is that we are all mixed together, all of us, with all of our opinions and passions and beliefs.  Rarely is something clearly right or clearly wrong.  There's nuance in our living.

"We realize we know only a little.  God will constantly reveal more to you and to us."

Keep those ears open and that mind flexible.

I did mention that I was going to be in a position in the next week or so where I'm going to have to tell a little white lie.  Trust me - this is a good white lie, and I say this with full knowledge that there aren't many lies that fall in that category.

"That's not going to be a problem for me," I remarked.  "As you know - I'm quite talented in the lying department."

"Yeah, in fact it might be one of your most endearing qualities," he said.  

Can't beat that - my ability to spin untruths and disinformation invokes great affection in others.  Whenever he sees me writing anything down he mumbles something about "The Book of Lies."

This is why I give my buddies a ton of shit.  So they're comfortable giving it back and this keeps me on my toes.

At the start of our conversation I mentioned that I was doing well, just grousing about the aches and pains that are accumulating with age.

"Yeah, you're the only one going through that," he snapped.

With friends like these who needs enemies?

A Maze of Circular Logic

Here's the thing about LSD Boy: man, is he ever like me.  He drives me crazy.  SuperK has always complained about how I'm The Answer Man, arranging all of this logical thinking and then assaulting her with it.

"It's exhausting," she says.  "You have these well thought-out arguments backed with facts and figures.  It's like being in a debate."

I didn't really understand why this was so irritating until I started to deal with LSD Boy.  Like me, his initial reaction to anything he doesn't like is to fight back in a calm and good-natured manner, leaving me in the uncomfortable position of having to decide whether to confront him about his behavior, to leave it alone, to come up with effective reasoning as to why he's a fucking idiot.  For while I don't care that much if people like me or not I don't go around looking to piss people off.  So I sort out my arguments and try to approach him diplomatically, only to find that once he had slunk off and thought about it he agreed with my approach.  But he would usually toss off some new non-sequitur that, in my relief, would zip past my ear and go unnoticed.  Later on I'd think: "WTF did he say now?"

I am so familiar with the slow, grinding release of something that I should give up but don't want to.  It leaves my clutching, grasping fingers, torn away one fiber at a time.  It really is excruciating to see it play out in someone else.

He's also quite good at the tried and true passive-aggressive approach to life.  He doesn't do things that I suggest while somehow managing to make it my fault.  For instance, I've indicated that he should pick up the phone and call from time to time, that I don't do Step work via text.  He, of course, doesn't call but when I ask how a particular Step is going will say something like "I'm just waiting for direction."  He doesn't call - which is on him - and then he implies that I'm not providing a road-map for him to move forward.

Trapped in a maze of circular logic.

You're Not Listening To Me . . .

Listen:  To accept advice or obey instruction; to agree or assent. 

Sometimes I don't have jack to say.

I have a note written shortly after one of my counseling sessions where the therapist said: "We can talk about this forever and you're never going to be able to understand it or fix it."  I have no recollection what the topic was.  The point was that sometimes things are as they are.  The world is uncontrollable.  The workings of the mind are a mystery.

I have another note from a friend who responded to my assertion that I was feeling "very uncomfortable.  

She said: "Very uncomfortable may be a messenger from deep within that wants to be heard.  Relax, breathe, listen, trust your beautiful self."

So often it's compelling to want to change things.  So often we want to change what we find.  That isn't the point of listening.