Productive Seaweed

On the trail of productivity . . .  always on that trail.

I was pondering all the ways that I spend my time.  I think as an alcoholic I abuse terms like "killing time" or "wasting time."  It seems to me that "sitting quietly" or "talking to friends" would be more appropriate, but that's what I seem to do: get someplace, always get someplace, and fast.  Doesn't make any difference where I go, just get on the move and at a high rate of speed.

Lots of people ask me this: "So what do you do all day now that you don't work?"  I can feel a little disapproval but also the fear creeping in.  Work for money is interpreted as "productive" even when it isn't, which is often.
Productive:  Capable of producing something, especially in abundance; fertile.  

As an aside, I'm grateful that I had the ability to set aside the work-for-pay part of my life - I'm extraordinarily grateful that I could do this.  I clearly remember, as a 30 year old man, wondering if I would be able to keep myself in shelter and fed with food as I grew older.  It was no sure thing.  I was a couple of enabling parents away from a life on the streets.  I was a bad drunk - I didn't let school or work or people get in the way of my drinking and drug use.  I drank as much as I wanted to and damn the consequences.

I like the fact that  I can feel my way through the day at this point in my life.  I don't have to persevere when something is not productive and I can expand my world when it is.  I like being the last person to leave the parking lot after a meeting.  I like to linger a bit when I go for a swim - it takes half again as long as it did when my free time was short, but it's half again as pleasant.  I like the ability to sit quietly and . . . well, sit quietly.  Sometimes I'm sitting quietly in a quiet fashion, and I can extend that and sometimes my mind is on the prowl and the sitting quietly helps it get quiet.  I have trouble explaining this to people.  It's easier to say "I was at my desk from 4 to 5" than "I was sitting quietly with myself and my god from 4 to 5."

Ah, well, onward and upward.