Supine

Prone:  Predisposed, liable, inclined.

I'm amused that the primary definition of "prone" is "lying face down," as opposed to "supine," which is "lying face up."  Maybe I'm both prone and supine to anxiety.  Maybe I'm lying face down to anxiety.  

One of my most powerful warriors I use as I combat anxiety is the morning Quiet Time.  I'm amused that the adjective "quiet" is connected to the noun "time," and god, I hope that I got those definitions right or I'll look like more of a pompous ass than I really am, and I'm pompous as hell.  The point I'm trying to make is that there's rarely any quietude in the Quiet Time.  It's like watching a video of a space rocket on the launching pad with the sound turned off.  There's smoke and shaking and stuff flying off but it's quiet.  You know it's not really quiet.  You'd never say: "Wow, that's a quiet launch."  You wouldn't want people to think that you're crazy.  You wouldn't want people who know you and suspect that you're crazy to have any reason to call The Authorities.  We're trying to minimize our contact with The Authorities, who generally don't think much of crazy alcoholics.  As a rule.

I pray for three things in my Quiet Time:
1.  That I may be the best son, brother, husband, and cousin that I can be, in no particular order.  This seems harmless and well-intentioned.  I fail to see how this prayer can get me into any trouble so I'm sure it's going to blow up in my face.
2. That I may be of service to my fellow man today.  A very noble prayer, in my opinion, although I'm lying when I say that part of the prayer.  And I even thought of adding the word maximum to that prayer, as in "maximum service" to my fellow man but I'm trying to keep my lying in check today.  Service, OK; maximum service?  Yeah.
3.  That I have help dealing with whatever anxiety is currently furrowing my brow.  I don't specify the help that I want - I leave it open, so that god can deliver the appropriate help even though I'm pretty sure god is an idiot and god is going to mess it the %$!! up.

Then I have a list of affirmations.  I remind myself not to drink alcohol or use illegal drugs or legal drugs illegally obtained, smoke 2 packs of cigarettes, drink 17 gallons of coffee, eat 48,000 calories of unrefined white sugar, get a little exercise, and spend some time on my recovery.  It's a shame that I have to tell myself to do or not to do these things when they're so clearly in my best interests or bad for me, as the case may be, but there it is.  And I try not to be judgmental - I don't care if you do them or not do them, depending on your inclinations, but I know where I need to be.

Finally, I run through a Gratitude List.  Simple stuff really: grateful for my health; for my wife's health; that my parents are doing reasonably well; that I have so many wonderful friends, a gift that is hard for me to get my arms around sometimes; for my nice trailer home and my nice Very Expensive Car and for a few dollars in the bank.  It's an imposing list.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

It's revealing that I have to remind myself that I have it good each day or I forget that I have it good and even start believing that I'm getting screwed by my god who doesn't know what the %$!@! is going on.