Better, Then a Little Worse, Then a Lot Better

One of the main reasons that I don't pick up a drink today is simple fear.  I don't think I would make it back in if I go back out.  Moreover, I found it hard as hell to get sober the first time.  I don't want to go through that again.  It wasn't that I couldn't grasp the concept of not drinking but that I didn't want to do the work necessary to stay sober.  It's hard work, frequently, and the results aren't always immediately evident to me.  It seems that sometimes things got worse, not better.

And it's true for many of us that the simple act of not drinking doesn't solve all of our problems.  It solves the headache problem and it sure cuts down on the in-the-backseat-of the-police-car problem and the punched-in-the-nose problem.  But some of our problems don't improve right away.  Judges and family members and employers don't wipe the slate clean just because we get sober.  This wasn't clear to me when i came in.  I'm assuming this was because I wasn't listening to people when they were talking to me.

Imagine that.

The Visual Horseface

I have a fondness for trying to visualize myself from a vantage point other than inside of my own head.  There isn't much room to back up and take an objective look at things in there.  It's a pretty small space.  There's a lot of noise, too, machinery and dive bombing Stukas and weapons being discharged.  It's very bright and fast.  There are hundreds of strobe-lights blinking wildly.

I can't seem to think in there.

I like to let my essence loose so it can float up above my body for a better vantage point.  Not way, way above my body -- that would be ridiculous -- but 5 or 6 feet or so.  Mostly I see this pleasant horse-faced guy sipping coffee and reading the newspaper, friends stopping by to chat, eating a snack from time to time.  He doesn't seem to be under too much pressure.  It doesn't look too bad, actually.

"I wish I had that guy's life," I think.

Usually, I catch myself.

People Are Strange

I've been thinking about myself again.  I find it very pleasant to do this.  I take great comfort in idly pondering my own plights and circumstances, my wants and my wants and my wants, and how I might satisfy them or remove any impediments to their being satisfied.  On the rare occasions when I think about someone other than me it's along the lines of how they can help me get what I want or why they should cease and desist in doing things that get in the way of me getting what I want. 

I guess that we animals are probably hard-wired to be egocentric.  For most of our history we have been scrambling to feed ourselves and stay warm and breed.  IPods and fast cars and other unmentionables are relatively new concepts.  Not so long ago being stout was a sign of prosperity.  It meant that you could afford to eat regularly.  Anyway, I do know that alcoholics have taken self absorption to new and dizzying heights.  We really do spend too much time thinking.

I have always believed that The Fellowship is a program of As Ifs.  Should you have trouble with the idea of a Higher Power, pray As If you believe in one.  If you think your boss or the judge or a neighbor is an idiot, behave as if that person is quite sane.  At least pretend that you're interested in people you see in The Rooms.  I think that I should know a few things about anyone I see at a meeting regularly.  It means I'm listening to them when they talk and not thinking about myself.  I try to mention these things when I talk to these people.  Not that, in my evil core, I give a #$@!! about your job or your ex-wife or your new car, but when I pretend As If I do then a funny thing happens.  I start to generate a little genuine interest, not the fake interest of the active drunk.  I try to resist but it actually becomes more and more natural to care about other people.  I can see the light in someone's eyes burn a little brighter when I inquire after their health and well-being.

I know it blew me away when someone I didn't recognize remembered what I had said a week ago.  It made me want to get to know that individual.  Slowly, achingly slowly, despite all of my efforts to resist caring about other people, it started to happen.

It was weird.

One Something or the Other at a Time

I heard something interesting at a meeting once.  Something about staying in the minute.  Something about today being the only day I have.  A nifty little slogan that irritated me no end at the time and for many months after that but which stuck with me, interestingly enough.

Since then I have fallen under the spell of One Day at a Time, a concept that is transcendent in its workable simplicity.  Not tomorrow; not yesterday; today!  I still can't get my arms around it half the time, preferring to wallow in the distant past or tinker with what has not yet occurred.

My advice to you is to heed this slogan.  I don't do it very often or well or consistently but I do like the idea, at least in theory or when someone else is doing it.  I like talking about it.  That makes me sound like I know what the hell I'm doing, at least.

I was talking to a friend in The Program who is consistently all wrapped around the axle about her job.  I said:" Here's the deal: in 5 years or 2 years of 3 months this day won't mean anything.  It won't be important.  You won't remember anything about it."

Man, that's great advice.  Maybe I should try it sometime.

The Big Hawks On the Concrete Poles

Consequences: A logical result or inference.

I have been pondering the ins and outs of life, the whys and wherefores.  This is typically not a productive activity for me but it doesn't seem to stop me from doing it.  I was thinking about how ironic it is that when I get my hands on some situation or problem and try to manipulate it to my liking, things often go awry. 

I was reminded of the story of The Farmers and The Hawks.  This isn't really a story in the sense that it's written down or passed along in some kind of oral tradition to teach young people in a clever and ironical sense how to not make a mess of things but let's pretend it is so we don't get bogged down in some dead end loop of circular semantic logic.  And I should admit that I'm not certain I have any of my facts straight as far as the animals involved or anything like that but I'm going to forge ahead to make a point that is important to me, at this moment, but which I'll forget about in the next hour.

I was in Costa Rica.  I was in a car being driven into the jungle.  On the way we passed miles upon miles of fields full of crops.  In each field were many tall concrete poles with big bird houses perched on top.  There were big hawks sitting on top of some of the poles.

"OK, what's the deal with the poles?" I asked the driver.

He explained that each field used to have the occasional palm tree.  The palm trees were home to the big hawks.  Some MBA business guy hundreds of miles away probably decided that if all of the palm trees were cut down, then there would be more arable land to plant money making crops.  So in came the chain saws and down came the trees.  The big hawks lit out for the Territory Ahead because they didn't have any place to live.  The MBAs were happy because they increased the amount of land that could be used for making money.

Alas, the big hawks were making their living eating the rats that enjoyed eating the crops.  With the big hawks gone, the rats ran wild and devastated the fields.  So the MBAs had to hire people to come in and build synthetic palm trees.  The whole system was working fine until some one messed around with it.

That's me.  I'm the MBA.  I'm always trying to game the system.