The Big Step

My aunt with leukemia passed away last week at an area hospice. She was a lovely, lovely woman and will be missed. Her last days were spent heavily sedated. We're all glad she has made that big step into the next, better place.

I went out to visit a couple of times. One time, actually. I don't know why I said "a couple" except that it makes me sound better. This is why I try not to talk much or to use numbers when I do. I usually exaggerate my actions to make myself appear more impressive than I actually am.

Believe me, it's not how I wanted to spend my precious free time. Cancer is a dark and ravaging disease. It was not pleasant being with an unresponsive person who was close to death. It isn't the cancer that kills a person, per se -- it's that the cancer cells overwhelm normal functioning systems until they can't run the body anymore. It was a losing battle.

It occurred to me at some point that it would be the right thing to do. Not the pleasant thing, certainly, but the right thing. This awareness is a big enough jump for me; the acting on the realization is a whole 'nother thing. For much of my life everything that I did had to have "pleasant" attached to it. I worked hard at avoiding unpleasantness. I really dislike pain.

It also occurred to me that maybe my visit would be some comfort to the immediate family. This is probably obvious to most people but not to me. And today I think there is a seamless connection between this life and the purely spiritual realm that follows. We step over in the blink of an eye, smoothly from here to there, just like that. It's like watching the last bit of light wink out as the sun drops below the horizon. It's a powerful thing being around when that is happening. It's part of life in a weird kind of way.


I did find myself enjoying some delicious self-satisfying judgement over the behavior of some other people. Some people are eager to be around during the good times, then melt into the background when when the atmosphere sours.


Recovering alcoholics, we can handle the pain.